2012 In Lyndon Hoods: Satire & Images

Column – Lyndon Hood

Satire, editorial images and the occasion piece of non-news from The Year Of All The People In The News Basically Being A Bit Useless. Except Keith Ng. He’s cool.

2012 In Lyndon Hoods: Satire & Images

Satire, editorial images and the occasion piece of non-news from The Year Of All The People In The News Basically Being A Bit Useless.

Except Keith Ng. He’s cool.




January [top]

As part of worldwide action against Megaupload.com, police raid Kim Dotcom’s Coatesville mansion, making arrests and seizing property. “Well that went rather well: sorted,” police sources report.

Prime Minister John Key proposes ‘keeping things interesting’ with a year-long game of Tory Roulette, where National ministers take turns shooting their mouth off.

10/1/12: 2011 In Lyndon Hoods: Satire, Pics, And News In Review For those of you who weren’t paying attention: 2011 in satire, images and coverage of some of the less official kind of news. More>>

ansvar, christchurch, insurance, church insurance
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Campaign Against Foreign Control Of Aotearoa – Time for Government to Get Back Into Insurance Business

NZ on Air, goldfish, beehive
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Tom Frewen – NZ on Air Spooked by Political Interference

MegaUpload, Kim Dotcom
Scoop News – Megaupload.com shut down; Four Arrested In New Zealand


February [top]

Local youths pay agreed price for scalped tickets to Homegrown but look very sad when they discover the deal also involves having to meet Trevor Mallard.

First of the year’s series of welfare reform announcements. Like the upcoming public service targets, these will be announced again at every opportunity.

In Australia, Rudd challenge to Gillard’s leadership “destabilises” Labor Party. David Cunliffe looks on, thoughtfully stroking whatever facial hair he was wearing at the time.

James Cameron purchases “immersive 3d” farm in the Wairarapa.

Gerry Brownlee, Clown
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Gordon Campbell – On banks, and Brownlee’s Christchurch sellof

wellington sevens costume, headless man costume, statues
Wellington Sevens Costumes 2012 – Part 2: The Revenge

See also: Scoop Images: Wellington Sevens Parade 2012Wellington Sevens Costumes 2012 – First LookWellington Sevens Costumes 2012 Part III

Te Puni Kokiri, public service, cuts
Mana Party – Te Puni Kokiri – Gone by Lunchtime

State capitalism, John key, Bill English, state owned enterprises, picking minners, subsidies
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Werewolf 28 – Gordon Campbell: Why State Capitalism Is Beating The Free Market

Puppets, beehive, parliament
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Werewolf – From the Hood: Howdy Neighbour!“I’m keeping the economy on track
by laying down a lot of tarmac
but once I’ve finished all that toil
don’t know what we’re going to do for oil.”
Yes, a road worker’s a person in your neighbourhood,
in your neighbourhood
in your neighbourhood…

oscar, beehive, parliament, nz

ticket, admit one, admit nothing
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Gordon Campbell – On asset sales and the Mallard ticket saga

lemon, kiwirail, railway wagon, manufacturing
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Gordon Campbell – On Kiwirail’s current problems with its Chinese-built wagons


March [top]

Urewera verdict: After video evidence – which police maintain they thought was legal – was thrown out by courts, remain accussed convicted of… I forget. Shoplifting or something.

In related news, police pretty sure ‘Teapot Tapes’ were illegal but aren’t game to try and prove it.

Asked whether advising public servants who might be about to be fired to get a pet is a good idea, John Key says his cat gives him “unconditional love”. PM’s obvious misjudgment of cat psychology believed to be main cause of slow fall in National’s polling over the year.

In between offending All Of Christchurch, Gerry Brownlee has a go at Finland.

raw comedy, raw meat, microphone, standup
Raw Comedy Quest – Wellington Raw Comedy Quest

AirAsia X, ex
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Christchurch Airport – Christchurch Airport Rues Airline Decision

Germaine Greer, glitter, glitter bomb
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Queer Avengers – Germaine Greer glitter-bombed

John Key, David Shearer, boxing
Gordon Campbell – On the speeches by John Key and David Shearer

nyan cat, john key, three way handshake
Werewolf – From The Hood : Moonbeam Dreams of Murder (See: Nyan Cat)Monday We propose, during this week, to eat, sleep, clean Ourself and to receive attention. Absent any developments in the Grand Plan, We may also engage in some vanishing-mysteriously-for-hours.
Progress satisfactory.
Subject returned home. Received attention from Subject. Purr purr purr.

AMI, christchurch stadium
NZ Govt – Christchurch Stadium Sponsor Welcomed

angry birds, angry finns, gerry brownlee
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Lyndon Hood – Brownlee Fighting To The FinnishSCOOP: So this Finland thing…
GERRY BROWNLEE: Well it was meant to be humorous.
SCOOP: Humorous?
BROWNLEE: You know, a joke!
SCOOP: About what malnourished woman-hating murderers the Finns are?
BROWNLEE: No no no: based on what malnourished woman-hating murderers the Finns are, but about the Labour Party. More>>


April [top]

Ongoing efforts to improve our already excellent education system by improting elements for other education systems that are worse.

This month’s abrogation of Chirstchurch democracy to do with control of the inner city rebuild.

English threatens finance minister’s veto of paid parental leave member’s bill while sitting on throne of human skulls stroking white cat and giggling about the doctrine of parliamentary supremacy.

Not to be outdone by the government, Labour MP David Parker offends Mexico.

Nation grabs popcorn as words “Banks” and “Dotcom” appear in the same headline.

cellphone, texting, sms, driving, car safety
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Automobile Association – Historic zero road toll for Easter weekend

ccdu, christchurch central development unit, demolition, earthquake, reconstruction, canterbury
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NZ Govt – New unit for the rebuild of central Christchurch

mexico, new zealand, kiwi, eagle
Embassy of Mexico – Is Mexico A Cigarette-Based Economy?

quad bike, farm safety, death
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Werewolf 30 – Gordon Campbell: Death Rides A Quad Bike

john key, cardboard cathedral, christchurch
Werewolf – From The Hood : Man Over BoardIt was in December of 2012 we lost the Prime Minister…
He was here for the opening of the new Cathedral. Of course in hindsight it’s very easy to see the mistake there.
Because this particular Cathedral (despite popular belief, it is safe for a politician to cross the threshold of an ordinary church) was built from pieces cut out of cardboard. The moment the Prime Minister stepped inside, no-one could tell him from the architecture. More>>

the hobbit, smaug, auckland
Gordon Campbell – On the relevance of the latest Hobbit revelations


May [top]

I went on holiday. There was probably a budget or something.


June [top]

Education Minister Hekia Parata backs down on plan to increase class sizes. This ‘changing your mind and doing something sensible’ thing was not the start of a trend.

Backbencher fire catches fire. Which was the start of a trend.

ACC cultured called into question after revelations staff were offered a bounty for the severed heads of potential applicants.

cook strait fail whale
I don’t really know what this was about.

euro, eurozone, financial crisis, spainFrom The Hood: Eurorecovery Made Easy
With the European economy teetering on a knife edge – in fact, on the day after François Hollande’s election as President had changed the game in France – your correspondent took a flight to Spain. By the measures international finance uses to compare European countries, Spain rates poorly. Yet being ranked at the bottom of these economic league tables has, inexplicably, failed to fix it.
What I saw when I arrived in Andalusia, one of the poorest provinces of this financial flashpoint, can best be summed up with two words: tourist attractions. More>>

nz on air, australia, goldfish, kangaroo
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Tom Frewen – The G.C. – Part Three

imf, kiwi, new zealand
Gordon Campbell – On funding the IMF, while under-funding core agencies at home

winston peters, 65, retirement age, superhero
TVNZ – Q+A: Greg Boyed Interviews Winston Peters

star trek, james kirk, gorn, john key
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Gordon Campbell – Gordon Campbell on the Dotcom/Obamacare rulings and Star Trek


July [top]

Key plans to ignore Waitangi Tribunal water ruling, not read police report into John Banks electoral allegations. Will maintain rule of law by building a bunch of big roads.

Following Scott Guy murder trial, Law Commission back public calls for trial by media to beome standard.

sharks, street, flooding, Auckland, Queen St
Flooding on Queen St. (After snopes.com: Shark Tank and photo by (I think) @CitizenBomber

copyright, copywrong, warning
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LIANZA – LIANZA Fears Copyright Law Changes Under TPPA

the great wave, tsunami, sea level rise, wellington, beehive
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Greater Wellington Regional Council – Wellington – Highest Rate of Sea-Level Rise in NZ

journalism, knighthood, Accolade by Edmund Blair Leighton, patronage
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Alastair Thompson – Nethui Editorial: News Disrupted – Has News Lost Its Mojo?

capital + merchant, finance, serious fraud office
Serious Fraud Office – Guilty verdicts in Capital + Merchant Finance fraud trials

medici, mum and dad investors, state owned enterprises, asset sales
Scoop Business – 3-pronged sweetener for “Mums and Dads” in asset sales

alice, through the looking glass, lewis carrol, john tenniel, nz, us, united states, bunting, trade agreements, tpp, tppa
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Gordon Campbell – On how conservative US politicians are demonstrating how we should respond to the TPP

get out of jail free, politics, mps, money, corruption, beehive, john banks
NZ Police – Outcome of John Banks police investigation


August [top]

NZ wins gold in calculating-a-medal-table-where-we-come-out-on-top Olympiad.

Paula Bennett insists she was justified in releasing beneficiaries’ private information, applies for asylum at Ecuadorian embassy.

Same sex marriage bill first reading goes fabulously.

Novopay school payroll system introduced nationwide after trials show it only caused a small volcanic eruption.

clown wig, fright wig, margaret mahy
A Margaret Mahy wig for people’s profile pics

cat, laser eyes, volcano, tongariro
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True cause of August Tongariro eruption revealed. After a photo here: Tongariro Photos From Adrift Outdoors

kiwi, olympics, greek pottery, marathon
Gordon Campbell – Gordon Campbell on the future funding of Olympics sport

green paper on vulnerable children, baby, origami
Green Paper on Vulnerable Children – Green Paper public submissions released
[Just a colour alternation to this image]

privacy, spying, beehive, government, eavesdropping, secrecy
Gordon Campbell – On Paula Bennett’s problems with privacy, and our deference to Big Tobacco

wellington, flyover, sim city, alien, robot, disaster
Wellington.Scoop – Mayor disappointed by flyover decision; Cr Pannett says community will fight it

agree, disagree, plain packaging, tobacco, tobacco advertising, parody, cancer sticks
Ad parody

john key being thrown out of work and income office, winz, welfare reform, poverty, obligation, entitlements
Dear Mr Zealand-Government,
I have been asked to review your case.
The first matter concerns your behaviour during recent appointments. I have to inform you we consider it entirely unacceptable. More>>

john key, denial, pharoh, king of the nile, egypt, ten commandments, yul brynner
Labour – John Key in denial over Kiwis in hardship


September [top]

Key refuses to read banks report, ask Banks.
Welfare obligations immunisation ece

Dotcom case reveals the GCSB has trouble telling who it’s allowed to spy on. Which is, like, the one thing we ask them to do.

John Key refuses to fire John Banks, accepting the Act leader’s assurance that his uranium enrichment programme is for peaceful purposes.

Canterbury regional elections postponed until at least 2016. NZ Government imposes high-level sanctions against Canterbury interim regime, cuts off military ties.

orange election man, orange elector, mask, balaclava, anonymous donations, electoral crime, election fraud
NZ Govt – Proposed changes to local electoral law

christchurch earthquake, canterbury, education, school closures
Greens – School closure criteria needs to be made clear

new zealand reserve bank, twenty dollar bill, money, signature, reserve bank governor
NZ Govt – New Policy Targets Agreement signed today

From The Hood : Poor Show
One evening last week I was taking my constitutional when I happened upon one of those impoverished children I keep hearing of.
“Oh, hello! What have we here?” I exclaimed.
“Evening, Guv’nor.” the child replied. (Those may not have been the exact words, I wasn’t really listening.) More>>

jackson wood, saddleback, bird of the year, poetry, public performance
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Images & Video: Showtime For Saddleback Sonnets

Dotcom Indeminity
The desk lamp is still lighted. Outside the windows, the dawn is slowly breaking.
English is still clutching the dictaphone. There are eight or nine used memory cards on the desk beside him. A widening stain of leaking credibility shows on the left shoulder of his jacket. He is very weak by now, and his voice holds a note of utter exhaustion. More>>

new zealand national bank, horse, north by northwest, airplane attack
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Scoop Business – ANZ Bank in $100m phase out of National Bank brand

kim dotcom, doctor who, the silence, wikipedia
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Lyndon Hood – Dotcom WhoIn Parliament today Grant Robertson remarked, considering the lack of impact significant incidents in his past had on the memories of senior ministers and security agencies, “it’s like Kim Dotcom has some kind of amnesia field around him”. I didn’t know who Robertson was referring to, so I googled him. More>>

privacy breach, data, government, inland revenue, IRD, eye, spying
Labour – IRD privacy breach worrying moment


October [top]

Christchurch Council votes to repair town hall. Earthquake recovery minister Gerry Brownlee describes decision as “proof Canterbury is still too democratic”.

Russel Norman blows chances at politician of the year by proposing ‘quantative easing’. Major economies might be trying it, but printing more money is a difficult to sell to press gallery because it is economically unorthodox (ie something National says it wouldn’t do). And also because writing “quantatative” by accident is embarassing.

Blogger/journalist/illuminatus/nerdcenary Keith Ng reveals Work and Income data kiosk security lacks the ‘security’ bit.

John Key visits Hollywood. This may have been to do with promoting NZ as a film destination and also the film industry lobbying over copyright arrangements, but unfortunately someone mentioned Kim Dotcom at one point and the Prime Minister forgot the whole thing, so we’ll never know.

Ongoing effort to stop the government building roads that cost more than they benefit makes progress, but only at walking pace.

Werewolf 35: From The Hood – Qui, Jean, Ou Est La Growth?
I, decorative capital, golf, woodblock style
n the castle of the most noble Baron of Planetki lived a Youth whom nature had endowed with a most amiable disposition. The old servants of the house suspected him to have been the production of a forbidden liaison between the Baron’s sister (a too-passionate conservative) and a liberal member of the local gentry who (the door and the window being secured) had, so the story went, got into her bedroom using the third way.
The Tutor to the children of the castle taught neo-incrimental-postideological-frogboiling-conservatism, and could demonstrate by assertion that Planetki was the best-governed of all possible estates and the Baron’s polices the most sensible of all possible policies (all of which were likely to achieve their claimed intention)… More>>

computer, data, data breach, privacy, leak, kiosk
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Out-LinkMSD’s Leaky Servers • OnPoint • Public Address

the matrix, msd data breach, kiosk, network security
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Lyndon Hood – The MSDtrixBecause it’s not hacking unless you get ‘ACCESS DENIED’ in big flashing letters. More>>

small business, smes
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Scoop Business – SMEs rate safe environment, lifestyle as benefits in NZ

police, courts, judgment, police powers
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Police Association – Throwing out charges punishes public, not Police

bbc, see no evil
Binoy Kampmark – The Jimmy Savile Row at the Smutty Beeb

telstraclear, vodafone, commerce, telecommunications
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Scoop Business – Antitrust regulator clears Vodafone takeover of TelstraClear

wellington, local government, super city, council mergers, lord mayor
Wellington.Scoop – Sir Geoffrey’s panel wants a Lord Mayor, seven councils, one chief executive

fonterra drug bust, cocaine, heroin, customs, border control, milk powder
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NZ Customs Service – Customs confident in Secure Export Scheme

rons, roads of national significance, kapiti expressway, mackays to pekapeka, cost benefit ratio, ideology
Labour – Plug should be pulled on Kapiti expressway


November [top]

Kate Wilkinson resigns as Labour Minister following Pike River report. Combined with Nick Smith’s earlier resignation, this set the bar worryingly low, prompting speculation that in future ministers may be forced to resign in any situation where a resignation is appropriate.

Exactly in line with statistician Nate Silver’s predictions, US re-elects statistician Nate Silver as President.

David Cunliffee erupts, causing minor damage a much interest among sightseers.

Prime Minister makes casual joke about radio hosts “gay red top”, is atonished anybody takes offence. In honour of launch of The Hobbit, John Key trolled the entire country.

Christ Church Cathedral demolition halted amid arguments about whether you can really call to ‘deconstruction’ when (even leaving aside the technical meaning in Postmodernism) that makes it sound like you’re disassembling the building when actually you’re smashing it to bits.

In the lead up to Doha climate negotiations, NZ amends the ETS (which now will have us giving away more emissions credits free in 2050 than the target we claim to be aiming for) and declines to join phase two of the Kyoto protocol. NZ prefers to be where the action is, in a new, partly imaginary scheme including China and the US. So it’s really where the inaction is, which apparently suit NZ’s national and international interest to a T. In honour of launch of The Hobbit, New Zealand trolled the entire planet.

swing, US presidential election results 2012, states
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US Presidential election results – update of a previous graphic

snapper, intergrated ticketing, auckland, bus, train, local government, commerce
Labour – Auckland ratepayers shouldn’t foot Snapper bill

david brett, john key, ricky gervais, the office, all-round entertainer
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Anne Russell – Gay Red Stop: John Key and homophobic language

Paula Bennett, bouncy castle
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Labour – Bennett bouncing all over the place on jobs

the hobbit, family window decals
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Gordon Campbell – Gordon Campbell on John Key, and The Hobbit
[Also of note (for getting names wrong): Warner Brothers Release on Hobbit Premiere]

wellington premiere, the hobbit, red carpet, elves, troll statues
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Scoop Images – Premiere Fan Costume Photos: The Walk Of Hobbit

tppa, tpp, trans-pacific partnership, trade agreements, magic, alladin's lamp
Werewolf 36 – Gordon Campbell: Into The Cave of Dreams – Trans Pacific Partnership

john key, press conference, mask
Werewolf – From The Hood : This Movie SucksUntil recently, like most people, I had assumed that politics in New Zealand was mostly made up on the spot. I even thought it was actual people arguing about the governance of a real country – though I admit nobody said so explicitly. But the evidence is now too strong. I have to face the painful truth that it’s all scripted. More>>


December [top]

Bloody fingerprints on Bain compensation report implicate Justice Minister Judith Collins.

Petrol tax hike provides important data point on government psychology: highways are revealed to be more important than tax cuts.

Christopher Finlayson widely touted as ‘politician of the year’ based on a series of successful treaty settlements and his ability – unique on National’s front bench – to only say smugly vicious and unhelpful things about people nobody really seems to care about.

Widely misunderstood Mayan apocalypse actually relates to the prophesied moment when the time it takes for something to become retro reached zero.

The Prime Minister of New Zealand danced gangnam style twice in one morning and had a fake gay wedding but was too busy that day to answer questions about the resignation of the Secretary for Education. That’s an actual thing that really happened.

I have nothing to add.

google tax, internet giants, multinationals, taxation, income
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NZ Govt – Dunne explains NZ’s tax approach to multinationals

bain report, judith collins, justice, criminal comenation, wrongful imprisonment, justice binnie, peer review, scales, tilting the scales, law
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NZ Govt – Reports into Bain application released

edmonds cookbook, beehive, politics, sue to rise, sure to rise
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Lyndon Hood – Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)With our easy step-by-step political instructions you can prepare your own Barmecide’s feast at home – just like a Government made it!™ More>>


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